Relationship Questions & Answers

Dating

Q. Dear Coach, what is it women see in guys who treat them bad?
I am 27 never even been on a date yet. I work with a guy same
age who refers to all women as “a ho” and he has very beautiful
women of all ages hanging all over him. He has a history of
beating women. I know everyone says be nice and you will be fine
but the truth is women want guys who treat them bad not a guy
who treats them with respect. Why is that? ~~ Greg

A. Greg, some women like abusive men or men who treat them
badly because that’s what they are used to. Or perhaps they feel
so badly about themselves, regardless of how beautiful they may
be, that abuse is the only kind of connection they feel they
deserve. I would guess that this is not the kind of a woman you
are going to end up with, so you don’t have to worry about
competing with these guys. Find women who want nice, loving
guys and you will have a stronger chance of connecting with a
woman. As you value yourself, others will value you.

Q. Dear Coach, I have been in a relationship with a married man
I met at adultfrinendfinder for 8 years. I went into it with eyes wide open. I am in love
with him and he says he’s in love with me, but also still loves
his wife. He said he would never leave her. This was fine for a
long time. The problem is now I can no longer accept this for
what it is, and can’t seem to leave him either. Why can’t I
leave him? ~~ C

A. Dear C, affairs can be very addictive business, and are
almost always difficult to leave. In most affairs you get the
best of the person all of the time and you can have your needs
met almost any time you would like. This sounds like a recipe
for the perfect relationship, and that is the addictive part.
The problem with affairs is that when you have a perfect
relationship you want to continue it, to move closer to the
person, to build a life with him or her, to fall in love and
live happily ever after. Of course this is not possible with
someone who is already married to someone else, and that is
where people begin to struggle with the affair. If you truly
want to leave and have had enough of not having a full
relationship with the person you love, you have to treat your
affair as an addiction: you may feel the desire to indulge in
the addiction again, but you do not take the action no matter
what. This is very hard, but you can do it.

Q. Dear Coach, I am very much interested in a man who is my
brother-in-law’s brother. He lives out of state, has a child, is
established in a career and has great morals and values. I have
never been married and I am established and would be available
to make a move if need be. I sent him an e-mail recently letting
him know I was interested in him and he did respond that he was
thinking about my e-mail and would get back to me. Do you have
any advice for me? Thank you.

A. Hello. Good for you for reaching out and casually letting
this man know you are interested. The next thing you do is wait
and see, letting him make the next move. If he finds the idea
intriguing or is also interested in you, he will make the next
move. If he decides against the idea of connecting with you, he
will likely do nothing. If he does not connect with you before
you see him next and shows no indication of interest when you
see him, I would let it go and move on to someone who shows
interest in you.

Q. Dear Coach, I have been with my BF for 15 months now. I love
him dearly and I know he loves me. A few months into the
relationship I began to fear that he was cheating on me. He told
me he was not. A year later I still feel like he’s cheating on
me. Every time I bring it up with him, we have this conversation,
I walk away feeling relieved. Then a month or two down the road,
I start getting worried again. In my previous relationship the
signs of cheating were there but I never, ever suspected him
of cheating on me. Do you think because I didn’t see it with my
ex-BF and it was really happening that I can’t trust my now BF?
He says I’m just waiting for something to happen. What do you
think? Please help! ~~ Carey

A. Carey, once a person is burned by being cheated on it is
hard to completely trust the love of others. On the other hand,
if your boyfriend was actually cheating, I bet you would know
without a doubt in your mind that that was the case. Cheating
does that to people–it attunes them to what’s going on in that
area of their relationship. So long as you find yourself going
back and forth on whether your boyfriend is cheating or not, the
issue is more about your fear and less about his cheating. The
fear may not go away for a while, or at all, but you could deal
with it differently so that it does not take such a toll on your
relationship. Next time you feel fear, tell your boyfriend you
are afraid, but don’t ask him to prove to you that he is not
cheating. Just ask him to be there for you, listen to you and
let you get your fear out. In getting it out you will be healing
it a little bit at a time. And again, if he does cheat at some
point in the future, trust that you will know it without a doubt.

Q. Dear Coach, I have been with my boyfriend for two and half
years. He went out with his friends, promising me he would call
me. It’s three days later and he still has not called. I don’t
know what to do. He lies to me all the time and makes plans with
me only to stand me up. He is walking all over me but I can’t
let him go. I love him very much and I need him. What do you think
is wrong with him? What should I do? ~~ Maggie

A. Maggie, you deserve to be treated well. Since your boyfriend
does not treat you the way you deserve to be treated, he does not
deserve to be your boyfriend. Sometimes when we love someone it’s
hard to let go of them: it feels as if the world will end if we
were to be without that person. But then when you do let go, if
you can get the courage to let go, you will find that it’s much
easier to be alone than to be treated badly by the person who
supposedly loves you. You can take care of yourself and make
sure others treat you well.

Q. Dear Coach, I would like to know if it is possible to have a
relationship with someone you attracted in a “relationship
pattern.” If the other person is willing to change or work
through their stuff…can it still work? Will that person still
be able to meet your needs? What work will they have to do? And
finally…is it possible to re-build the love again… after the
hurt? ~~ Jen

A. Jen, the answer is a resounding YES! As to how to actually
rebuild your relationship when it started out based on a
dysfunctional pattern, it is a long and arduous road, but one
with great rewards at the end. Basically, the two of you will
need to figure out what kind of a relationship you both want to
be in with each other and then work on the issues each of you
has that get in the way of having that kind of a relationship.
Some of this work you can do on your own, some you need to
do together as a couple, and some of the work will need to be
done with a therapist. Lastly, when the past is dealt with and
issues are resolved, the two of you will want to put in place a
plan for how you will rebuild your love. Take a look at the
eclass below for that information.

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